A Rant Most Of You Millenial Moms Might Get

Hello, my Gals,

It’s been a hot minute. I thought I’d do something different.

There’s a lot of Mom/Parenting parodies of songs out there, and more often than not I cringe at them, unless they’re done really well and I personally find them #relatable

I’ve been thinking about the Bennet Brauer rants that Chris Farley (God rest his soul) did way back in the day when Saturday Night Live was really a thing, and a good one at that.

Most of you might not get what I’m talking about. Truthfully, I barely remember it, myself. But it’s one of his most Iconic roles, and always one that is highlighted when people remember him.

And to be honest, the videos already almost #relatable in their original form.

Just so you’ll get the gist of what I’m saying below, at least watch the first one. Or both, if you want to (Or neither, I can’t tell you what to do, I’m not your Mom). Farley’s performances are hilarious!

Part 1 (Skip to 1:45)

Part 2

Part 3 (This particular rant is the most referenced, and yet I can only find the written quote for it online! But you may have seen this one in passing if you’ve seen a Chris Farley tribute)

Ok well, without further ado, here’s my Mom parody of the Iconic Bennet Brauer rants:


Part 1

That’s right, ya grrl, m3lz here with a parody.

Not quite what you’re used to, perhaps (or maybe you know it all too well)?

Not a tidy picture, is it?

I guess in today’s filtered society, apparently Jane Q. Reader is only comfortable getting her opinions from a Barbie Doll.

Well, maybe I’m not an “Insta Model,” or a “MILF.” Maybe my house isn’t “Aesthetic,” or even “Presentable.” Maybe my home decor isn’t, “Pleasing to the eye.”

Maybe I’m not “Witty” without a heart-attack-inducing amount of caffeine. I have no “Charm” or “Appeal.” My Mom Brain as made me not “Smart” or even “Average.”

My toddler doesn’t “Pee in the potty (yet).”

I’m not always “Clean.” I don’t always “Smell good.” My nails aren’t “Polished,” or “Clipped.”

I have nothing “Interesting to say (outside of what Vinny said the other day and how Mikey smiled again for the 5000th time and it’s still not geting old and never will).”

I guess I don’t “Play the game.” (Btw you all just lost The Game)

When my toddler eats, he doesn’t always “Use silverware” or “Wipe his own face.” I don’t always “Wash the table or his eating station afterwards,” or even “The next day.”

So, I guess I just don’t “Fit the mold.” And if that’s the case, I’ll just step back and I’m sure John and Jane Doe can go back to enjoying the endless parade of parenting bloggers who don’t “Make people cringe.”

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Thanks, that’s all for now, Kevin.

Part 2

That’s right, ya grrl m3lz, back with another parody.

Thought you’d seen the last of old Scrunchymomz, perhaps? Thought the internet algorithm would have sent me and my “Low like and view ratios” on a slow Uber to Portland?

^Other Mom Bloggers/Vloggers/Influencers…

…&& ya grrl. #nofilter

Well, maybe I don’t “Look the part.” I’m not “Svelte.” I don’t “Look comfortable on camera.” I’m not “Savvy.” I don’t “Understand what’s going on in the News.”

I’m not “Likeable.” I don’t “Get along with people.” When I go to Aldi, I don’t “make eye contact.”

I guess I don’t “Fit the mold.” I don’t “Wear the latest clothes,” or even ones that don’t “Reek like sour cream and onion.” I don’t “Change my bra.”

I’m not “Slim Thicc.” I don’t have “Nice bobs.” I don’t “Exercise.” And when I do sweat (From chasing my toddler around and trying to pick up in his wake whilst attending to a newborn), I don’t always “Shower.”

My house is not “Sparkling,” I don’t “Clean the area between the fridge and counter.”

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We’re supposed to clean walls now??? Who has time for that??? #aintnobody

But, for the time being, I guess the “Algorithm” is opting for my approach until Jane Reader tells them she’d rather get her two cents from Mom bloggers who haven’t “Made babies cry,” or “Drink Trader Joe’s moscato straight from the bottle,” or, “Leave old dried up deodorant cakes under their arm for weeks at a time…”

*The part where Chris Farley is lifted by wires*

I’m crying! I’m crying, holy Schnikes!

I have a weight/body image problem, can’t they fix me??

Back to you, Kevin!!!1!!11!!

Part 3

That’s right, m3lz again with yet another parody!

Didn’t think the algorightm would have me back, perhaps? Thought they’d have my booty replaced by one of them Victoria’s Secret mannequins?

Well, maybe I’m not “The norm.” I’m not “Camera friendly.” I don’t “Wear (or have) clothes that fit me.” I’m not a “Heart-Eyes react.”

I haven’t had “sex with my husband in at least a good month or two.” I don’t remember “How that works.”

I don’t “Fall in line.” I’m not “Hygienic,” I don’t “Wipe down toys after every use.”

I lack “Style.” I don’t have “Self-esteem.” I have no “Charisma.” I don’t “Own a toothbrush that wasn’t purchased after 2017.”

I don’t “Let my acne scars heal.” I can’t, “Reach all parts of my body.” When I sleep I, “Sweat profusely.”

But I guess the powers that be will keep sending me emails on how to improve my site until Jane K. Reader starts to swipe left and say ‘Thank u next,’ so they can go back to Mom bloggers who don’t “Frighten children,” who don’t “Eat expired cold cuts,” who don’t, “Pop their whiteheads with a safety pin they used to wear in their sweatpants back in high school.”

Thank you, Kevin.


Yeah, so that’s it. Basically #Abigmood when it comes to my experiences in motherhood.

Obviously I’m far from perfect. Obviously, that’s true for the majority of us. And what we see from those other Moms on Instagram and YouTube or Netflix isn’t always what you get. I know without a doubt they all have their struggles, too. No matter how glamorous they appear.

I can make myself look “Glowed Up,” too!

But I do my best every day. And some days, I don’t do as well as I thought I could. But all days, it’s entirely the best thing I’ve ever done.

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#blessed.

How have your adventures in motherhood gone? Is it what you thought it would be? What would you change, if you could? How do you hope to grow in the years to come?

Thanks for reading, my gals! 😘😘

👀If you’re new here, and this content or any of my upcoming content interests you, make sure you add your email and follow so you don’t miss any updates! 😁😁 And if you’re already following, thank you and bless your heart and soul! 🙏🏼🥰🤗

📋 Upcoming Content: My (Stay-At-Home) Mom Guilt, My Son’s “Home-Nursery-School Curriculum,” and Two Vs. One: How To Survive 2 Under 2

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